But at the time, it didn't matter.
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I just wanted to not feel guilty about the things I thought about. So I told her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
There were times I didn't think I had the strength to make it as I didn't have anyone I could talk to. I didn't know about such things as support for people like me, and didn't even think I was worthy of support. But that was 15 years ago and things are fine now.
For months, the pair had been fighting more and more. Jim had been distracted, their relationship was increasingly strained.
It was at the climax of one of their arguments that the truth came tumbling out. Around the world, many gay men are married to women. Twice a month they gather for two hours to share stories.
They laugh, they cry, they gossip. He patiently explains to them that the group is actually for gay men in heterosexual marriages. Steven Bloom - who runs a Sydney based group - has over men on his email list.
Gay Married Men | You're not alone
Judging by the emails, phone calls and website hits he receives, he estimates that there are thousands more Australians in similar situations. In the end, one way or another, almost all men who reach out to the group end up coming out. In most cases they do this on their own terms, but sometimes they are outed when wives discover emails, internet histories, Grindr use or text conversations.
When he got married, Jim knew something was different.
He knew he had been attracted to men in adolescence, but it was something he tried not to think about. The path of marrying a high school sweetheart was well-worn among members of his group, especially by older men.
In both Sydney and Boston, the average age of men who come to group meetings has been falling. With more awareness, younger men are often quicker to come to terms with their sexuality. A claim to bisexuality is common among married men in the early stages of grappling with their sexuality. But both Jim and Steven say that men who end up identifying as bisexual in the long-term are in the minority — most husbands in their groups eventually come to realise they are predominantly attracted to men.
How is it possible for them to fall in love with a woman but still be attracted to men?
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The ability to go public about their relationships is very important to many gay men — even if it attracts negativity. As a fresher at university, Robin, then 18, fell into a relationship with Dom, Says Robin: He absolutely had per cent control over things; the code of conduct imposed on us was coming from him, not me. Robin decided he would come out, in the hope it would show Dom that it didn't have to be a nightmare. Simon was 17 when his hitherto straight best friend made a move on him. He would always tell me he wasn't like me, and couldn't be, because he 'had his whole future ahead of him'.
The idea that my future was irrelevant and that admitting he was with me would ruin his made me feel worthless and I ended up battling depression for years. Gay men aren't toys to be practised on.
You're not alone
Bisexuality was often the only concession to less binary labels, but is and was often a source of derision among straight and gay people alike, characterised by accusations of greed or indecision. The closest anyone got for many years was the advent of metrosexuals — basically straight men who used moisturiser and took longer than five minutes to get ready in the morning — and drunk straight women getting off with each other for a dare.
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And even these were very much about straight people play-acting than any serious comment on evolving sexuality. Everybody else had to stay in lane, their labels hanging over them. A sign things could be changing, for the better, are men who are comfortable with their status as a man who sleeps with men, and refuse to be bound by labels. Years after his straight-guy experience at uni, Robin somehow once again found himself in the middle of another heterosexual man's coming-out story.